Friday, May 7, 2021

10 Steamy Movies to Stream, Ranked By How Much You Shouldn't Watch Them With Mom

steamy movies
PHOTO BY Hustlers, Magic Mike ILLUSTRATION War Espejo

(SPOT.ph) Is it just us or do parents have a penchant for walking in on you right when the movie you’re watching shows anything mildly R-18? Avoid that cringe moment by taking note of these 10 movies to never watch when your parents are within a two-kilometer radius. Use this handy-dandy guide specifically for that purpose. Or, if you have a cool mom like Regina George does, then do the opposite, no judgment here!

We list down 10 movies that are 0% family friendly, ranked from the least scandalous to the absolutely scandalous. Plus, take note of what exactly about the movie will have Mom revoking your birthright. Just for research purposes.

Also read:
The 10 Best Butts on Netflix Right Now
10 Steamy Netflix Titles You Really Shouldn't Be Streaming This Week

These 10 steamy movies are best avoided this weekend:

10. Apocalypse Child (2015)

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Gist: Ford (Sid Lucero) is a freewheeling Baler local who believes he is the illegitimate child of director Ford Coppola (Remember when they shot Apocalypse Now there in the '70s?). When his childhood friend returns to Baler as a congressman, the idyllic-looking surface of their bubble begins to break.

Scandalized-mom factor: Understated and poignant, Apocalypse Child is an indie hit that deserves a watch with like-minded cinephiles such as your mom—except for all the slow, dramatic, and sweaty love scenes that may throw off the experience.

Where to stream: Netflix

9. Hustlers (2019)

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Gist: Based on a true story, this movie follows an epic group of super savvy strippers swindling their no-good clients. Think fast-paced con movie but with badass women characters who actually have layers.

Scandalized-mom factor: So there's sex, drugs, and incredible—and we mean incredible—pole dancing scenes, but we think Mom might forgive it thanks to the awesome story.

Where to stream: HBO Go

8. Behind the Candelabra (2013)

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Gist: This movie is based on Scott Thornton’s memoir of his tempestuous and very toxic five-year relationship with Liberace.

Scandalized-mom factor: A perfect watch if Liberace was your mom's fave in the '80s. Just note that this film is not subtle about Thornton (Matt Damon) and Liberace (Michael Douglas) getting it on. Also, it’s Las Vegas in the '80s so yes, drugs are a factor too. Also, have we mentioned it’s a deeply toxic relationship?

Where to stream: HBO Go

7. Madame Claude (2021)

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Gist: Based on a real-life Parisian brothel-keeper of the same name in the 1960s, Madame Claude follows how this pleasure den became entangled with French politicians and the underworld.

Scandalized-mom factor: A movie about strong women subverting the usual power dynamic is always a good watch in our books. You just have to close your eyes every time a nude or bloody scene pops up if you’re watching with your mom—so basically maybe a third of the movie. 

Where to stream: Netflix

6. EuroTrip (2004)

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Gist: This hilarious early-2000s teen movie follows a bunch of fresh high-school grads backpacking through Europe. Featuring what is possibly the random-est cameo of all time: Oscar-winner Matt Damon as a suburban punk rock vocalist. Remember “Scotty Doesn’t Know”?

Scandalized-mom factor: An Italian pervert gag-line that wouldn’t fly today, a sex den in Amsterdam, nude beaches with lots of dicks flying around, and even a little bit of incest—all treated in a hilarious, irreverent manner. Yeah, you’re going to need a super cool mom to watch this with.

Where to stream: HBO Go

5. Ride or Die (2021)

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Gist: Rei (Kiko Mizuhara) saves her former classmate Naenae (Honami Sato) from her abusive husband by straight up murdering him, forcing the two girls to flee—and fall into a tempestuous affair—together.

Scandalized-mom factor: Physical abuse, lots of sex and nudity, plus a gruesome murder reminiscent of that Gone Girl scene. It’s a wild ride, emotionally and physically.

Where to stream: Netflix

4. Gia (1998)

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Gist: Gia Carangi is credited as the OG supermodel, arguably the first that broke the line to become a celebrity—who ultimately died at just 26 years old in 1986, practically abandoned by all her so-called friends. Years later in 1998, her tragic life would be turned into a movie starring Angelina Jolie.

Scandalized-mom factor: The biopic has been criticized for being reductive of Carangi’s life (Read: A voyeuristic look at the rise and fall of the supermodel) so you can expect lots of sex, hard drugs, abuse, and whatnot. Angeline Jolie’s performance is possibly the real reason to watch this film.

Where to stream: HBO Go

3. The Boy Next Door (2015)

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Gist: Claire (Jennifer Lopez) is going through a long and winding divorce from a cheating husband. Things get complicated when her neighbor’s nephew moves in and he turns out to be a tad obsessive.

Scandalized-mom factor: We’ll admit. This movie isn’t even campy-bad, it’s just bad. There is is that one ridiculously steamy love scene between J.Lo and the neighbor’s nephew that makes it worth watching though—just really not when your mom’s around.

Where to stream: Netflix

2. Magic Mike (2012)

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Gist: Like you didn’t already know. Channing Tatum. Strippers. Lots of abs. Maybe some dancing?

Scandalized-mom factor: TBH, we have a feeling you and mom have watched this already—separately. Depending on your dynamics, this movie could either be the best or the worst Mother’s Day watch. Do you dare give it a try?

Where to stream: Netflix

1. Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

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Gist: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman play a typical respectable couple who end up tangled in the business of a top-secret and murderous high-class sex club.

Scandalized-mom factor: Tom Cruise and weird-ass occult orgies. Plus, it’s a psychological erotic thriller from the mind of Stanley Kubrick (A Clockwork Orange, 2001: A Space Odyssey) so you know it’s bound to be something else. Definitely not advisable to watch with Mom in any context.

Where to stream: Netflix

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